Friday, December 30, 2011

RAGEQUIT: I Suck at Street Fighter (And So Do You!)

I'm not going to pretend I have much in common with the average Street Fighter fan.

For me, there's magic in those games, but it only has so much to do with frames of animation.
The movement of characters is special, to be sure, but for me, it's everything that's implied in the placement of feet and the trajectory of acting limbs, rather than the hitboxes they connect with, or the executive distances they create. I love the mythos of Street Fighter -- the stories that exist in and out of the games, intertwined with the visuals and conceptuals present in even the most rudimentary edition, which builds a legend sufficient to elevate a white suited karate man far beyond the generic three-letter name he's given.

To distance myself even further from the average player, I'm not all that enamored with online play.
Don't get me wrong. I understand the differences and appeal of going toe-to-toe with a human opponent (as opposed to CPU), but there's a convenience in the disposable exchange between machine and man, complimented by the fact that I actually enjoy the cutscenes and glimpses of story, have a generally poor internet connection, and very rarely master my games to any discernable degree. Or so I thought...

To really underline my level of skill (or lack thereof), I'll boldly admit to being completely incapable of executing a combo or super on command. I'm relatively ignorant to the ins and outs of tournament competition, but I'm pretty sure this instantly ranks me in the bottom echelon of prospective opponents. Well aware of this fact, I'll gladly do my best to trade pugilistic strategies, comfortable in the knowledge that I'll probably lose miserably. That's fine.

With obvious shortcomings in mind, however, imagine my surprise, when venturing online, to discover myself beating opponents! To their level of quality and stature, I cannot speak. The mere act of challenging someone with a noteworthy score was enough to render me surprised, beating them was an enjoyable bonus. Of course, I was surprised -- and ultimately enraged by a string of second round 'lost connection to host' conclusions (playing Street Fighter IV original), again and again.

Despite my initial suspicions based on timing, I gather the loss of host connection is actually a legitimate, impartial practical breakdown, and not a strategy to retain a solid win-loss record. I can begrudgingly accept that, particularly as my internet connection is less than spectacular, and I was knowingly entering into battles with a red graded connection probably located somewhere far, far away.

Switching to the abundantly titled Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition, I figured I might have more success, finding local opponents on the more recent and more populated title. To a modest degree, I was right. Believing this would improve my sparse win-loss record on the original was my first mistake, however. Which brings us to this blog, which is essentially a long and laborious howling deathcry from a gamer unwilling to risk the damage inherent in furiously hurling his controls at the screen like a spiteful hadouken.

Officially, after a handful of dominant ranked matches, my record is 0-0. I have 0 player points.

To date, I haven't suffered a lost connection to host on SSFIVAE. Instead, the enraging indignity of quite explicitly confirmed quits by opponents has been my fate. Quits from ranked matches, which, I surely would have assumed would result in a default win for me (I was leading comfortably, any way), with points awarded accordingly.

This, of course, is wrong.

The reason for these forfeits was eloquently summed up in my first ever received "troll" message since playing online -- "laggy bitch," the subject. No content required. Laggy bitch. Laggy bitch with a clearly labelled connection quality of orange. Laggy bitch with a clearly labelled connection quality of orange, colour coded so any moron can instantly see if this is a fight he might like to avoid, based on ability to perform under lag. Laggy bitch with a colour coded connection any moron can instantly read, who was dominating the fight.

Suffice it to say that the lag was a fairly minimal, only occasional half second pause.
Compared to my red graded SFIV experiences, it was actually probably a little bit worse than I would expected of a newer game. Even so, it was hardly enough to interrupt the flowm, easily managed with a shred of anticipation shared mutually between two players.

In closing, I posit that it is you who is the bitch!
You and everyone like you, whose game can so easily be thrown off by the merest presence of latency! You, whose skills are so utterly underwhelming, you took a C-grade whooping before quitting like a whiney little bitch! You, who by any other measure, was defeated! You, who clearly sucks based on the rudimentary limitations of your skills! You, who can go screw!

Game Over!

After defeating Seth, Mike takes control of the S.I.N laboratory and uses their hi-tech facilities to play online. With a spectacular connection and almost no lag to speak of, he is swiftly handed his own arse, relegated with embarrassing efficiency.

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